A Tremendous Experience


“What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: "You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine." – Friedrich Nietzsche

I don’t know why, but this quote draws me in.  Each time I read it I ask myself, what would I do?  Would I be gnashing my teeth or would I be all-in?  Would any of the bad moments, the truly terrible moments, of my life be worth reliving just so I could experience those tremendous moments?  Do my tremendous moments outweigh the less-than stellar moments enough to wade back into the fray?  Would I need clarification from the demon?

Excuse me, Mr. Demon, sir.  Umm, may I ask you a question?  If I choose to relive this life, can I correct any of my mistakes, maybe fix some of the harm I have done?  In doing so will it set me on a course that might make me miss some of those tremendous moments?  Am I going to need confirmation before I give my answer?  Or were those moments truly tremendous and no matter what pain I must endure, they would be worth it all over again?

I have asked a lot of questions so far without really answering my first – what would I do?  I think that is the great conundrum, what would I do?  What would you do?  My mind tells me to say, “Get ye hence!”  However, my heart tells me I want to relive every one of those tremendous moments.  The memory of the joys, the love, the pure excitement that those moments have given me tell me it is all worth it again.  Those feelings, those deep and pure feelings, trump any fear of the pain, be it mental or physical that my do-over might cause.

I have loved my life.  This life has made me who I am.  It has given me enumerable joys.  It has given me a family, a huge family, made up of all of those I love.  I have been blessed, but I have also been humbled. I have been brought to my knees during the lowest of lows.  I have caused pain and felt pain, I have lost repeatedly, but I have gotten back up.  I have won just one more time than I have lost.  It is that win, my MOST tremendous experience, that tells me I will live this life again and again and again.

On this day I say, “Demon, you are a god and never have I heard anything more divine!”  Bring me my moment, bring me my joy, bring me my love.



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